For you, with Love

"…quite simply, I was in love with New York. I do not mean "love" in any colloquial way, I mean that I was in love with the city, the way you love the first person who ever touches you and you never love anyone quite that way again."




Dear Bitchin'  In NYC Readers,


Ice Queen and I have come to the conclusion that there is plenty more content to be shared with our fabulous followers.  You can start to expect more than just New York themed life lessons.  Stay tuned...we're getting hotter with age.

With Love,
BossBitch & Ice Queen

smelly cat, smelly cat

The gym is a very interesting place.  You have your "spinners", the people who you start to recognize, the class takers, the beefy Jersey shore-esc men, the ones who can afford trainers (I wish), and then a whole lot of randoms in the mix.  But let's start with January - the month of resolutions - and the month I almost am tempted to take off every year.  Everybody, and yes, I mean everybody is at the gym.  Resolutions are things that you are supposed to think up for the coming year, so why, come January 2nd - when the hangovers are gone, and you feel like starting your resolution - does everyone feel the need to pile into the gym all day, every day?  What about those of us who workout just to be healthy?  Who work out 3-4 times a week just because we want to?  I go to the gym everyday between 6 and 6:30, and my biggest pet peeve if having to wait for a treadmill because there "resolution" people decided they wanted to kick-start their workout plans for the whole month of January.  The most annoying part?  It eventually dies down and they start sporatically working out after the first week of February.

Recognizing people at the gym is the worst, especially for people like me - dubbed a "people watcher".  Obviously the gym is one of my favorite places to people watch.  Last weekend there was a girl on the treadmill who was fist pumping throughout her run, and then got so into it that she then stripped off her shirt and was just running in her sports bra and shorts... still fist pumping as if she was at Karma with Pauly D and the Situation.  Then those beefy men who are about my height (5'4") and are literally so muscular I feel as though they could beat me up with a pinky finger... they mostly resemble Ron Ron.  These guys are ripped and make the absolute weirdest noises when they lift.  "UHHHHHHHH", "OOOOOFFFFFFF".  Like, we aren't having sex at the gym....... just lifting weights people.

Then you have the smelly people.  Yes, that's right.  I don't understand the people who don't wear deodorant to the gym.  I understand that sometimes it has to do with your culture or religion, and I don't have a problem with that but then again... people sweat at the gym.  And we are in close quarters.  And the last thing I want to inhale while I'm watching Friends and reading my Kindle is your sweaty B.O.

So on that note, please wear deodorant, keep your fists to yourselves, and stop making resolutions!  Just go to the gym... because?

-Ice Queen

Kanye's Workout Plan - Kanye West

there's always another one coming

Picture this: it’s 8am and you’re on your way to work.  You have your Starbucks in hand and your sunglasses on because it’s still too early to fully face the day.  As you leisurely turn the corner you see your bus already  at the stop. A split second judgment call is made and in a valiant and somewhat commendable effort you start running in hopes of just making it ... BOOM - doors close in your face, bus speeds off, and you look like an asshole for actually sprinting and getting left behind (This is what I imagine you just looked like).

Depending on the season, now you’re either sweating or can see your breath rapidly funneling into the air (another reminder you should probably hit the gym).  Not to mention, everyone riding that bus got a good chuckle at your expense and the bus driver is now humming to himself “Another One Bites the Dust”.  Here’s my theory, young grasshopper, on running for public transportation – spare yourself. There is ALWAYS another one coming.

In my 23 and a half years of living in NYC I’ve run for my fair share of every kind of public transportation and let me tell you, I regret it 9 times out of 10. I've since come to the conclusion that spilling my coffee, potentially tripping and falling, and/or beads of sweat on my face in the early morning is just not worth it. I’d rather wait the extra 3-5 minutes, pop my head phones in, and be the first one to casually board the next bus that arrives.  There’s a better chance you’ll get a seat, and guaranteed you won’t look and feel like an idiot. "Another One Bites The Dust" is not a phrase, saying, or song you want applied to you under any circumstance, so trust in my theory - there is always another one coming. Just lookin' out.

peace.love.BossBitch


Another One Bites the Dust - Queen

"the cabs are here"

Yellow cabs.  I have a love/hate relationship with them [mostly hate]. This is why:

LOVE:

They get you where you want to go in relative (and I use this term lightly) comfort for a "fair" price.  Nothing is better than door to door service on a rainy day, snowy night, when you are running late to work, or when you're blackout downtown and you really just need to get your ass home so you don't risk puking on the guy who's been chatting you up for an hour (that's no way to thank him for those drinks! Or is it...) I especially love the feeling of getting into a cab when you are just feeling plain lazy.  When the train station or bus stop is "too far away".
 
HATE:

 
The majority of them smell - like fast food, Indian food, toilets - you get the point.

If there's traffic and its a long journey - that meter creeps up. Real quick.

When the drivers have NO IDEA where they are going. How do you drive a cab around NYC and NOT know where you are going?

When the drivers PRETEND they have no idea where they're going. I grew up here, you punk, now get off Park Avenue!

I feel like most cab drivers won their license in a raffle and its pretty much a gamble if you'll survive the journey. Please slow down - I did NOT say I was in a rush and no part of this city is a race track.

When they tell you that their credit card machine doesn't work.  Who carries cash anymore?  I mean... really...

When they won't take 5 people in a Minivan.  Dude - your car is MADE for more than 5 people and I swear you won't get a ticket.


Dearest Cabbies - I know its tough to drive in the City, but you pretty much drive around ALL day, every day and, if my mathematical equations are correct, this should mean you're good at it. I'm good at things I do everyday - practice makes perfect. Before I go, an air freshener would go a LONG way. I like Macintosh Apple from Yankee Candle.

Over & Out,
Ice Queen

P.S.  Watch one of my favorite comedians rant about cabbies here.  Thanks to LL.

Big Yellow Taxi - Joni Mitchell

Bikers Beware

Tillie goes to the gym almost every day. For me, it’s more of a “when it’s convenient” type of thing.  So when I see someone riding a bike around the city, part of me thinks: “Good for you, what a smart and really healthy (not to mention, green) way to get around and work out.”  The other part of me thinks: “Stay out of my way, and I’ll stay out of yours.” I think that’s fair enough, no? 

What’s NOT fair enough, or considerate, nor does it even make sense (hence why I’m writing about it), is when said bike riders carry their bikes onto public transportation.

In my humble opinion, bringing a bike onto a bus or on the subway is without a doubt, stupid.  Not only does the bicycle take up standing space, but its hazardous to maneuver around, the wheels are dirty and heaven forbid you brush up against the chain you’ll get black oil all over everything, resulting a serious WTF moment.

The concept of carrying your bike onto another form of transportation seems to cancel out the original intent of taking out your bike in the first place.  Sure, as you’re flying down Park Avenue you might feel like you’re getting some appreciation for being environmentally aware and getting in that quick work out, but trust me when I tell you; no one appreciates your care for the environment when you insensitively hop onto busy 6-train, bike in tow. No, the bike does NOT easily fit into the door area, and YES you’re bothering everyone. There’s not one person that tries to board the train that isn’t thinking: “Really, guy? Had to take the bike out this morning even though you were going to get on a train anyway?”  Now my pants are messy because I tripped over your dirty tire on my way to work. 

I just think that one form of transportation does not belong ON another especially when it’s nothing but in the way, that’s all. Simple.


peace.love.BossBitch.

Brand New Key – Melanie

Pole Huggers

The subway is a very agile and convenient mode of transportation if youre trying to get somewhere quickly or go somewhere far.  At busy times, everyone squeezes onto the train cars like it's rush hour in Tokyo (see this link for reference) .  My personal hell.  However, when the train is quiet, and you have your i-Pod, it's absolutely divine! And, on the rare occasion you get an edge seat, you can really cut loose and spread out! I'll get into more of my subway-isms later, but right now I NEED to address a certain subway rider.  They come in all shapes and sizes, and from all walks of life.  Old, young, short, tall, skinny, fat, male or female; I call them...Pole Huggers. 

Pole Hugger - noun:

1. a person who leans or wraps their entire body around the train pole, preventing others from holding on, or forcing others to squeeze their hand in and touch the pole huggers body in order to hold on...ew.

2. general annoyance.


Dear all Pole Huggers: I hate you. What ever happened to common courtesy? As much as you CLEARLY need to hang on for dear life, don't you think others would like the opportunity to casually hold on as well?  After all, we're on an underground rocket going 100 miles an hour through narrow tunnels with sharp turns, and you could go flying at any given moment if you're not careful.  Pole Huggers, please learn to just use one hand to hold on, and not your entire body. Believe me, it's still just as effective.  Be considerate of your fellow subway riders. Thanks, asshole.

Peace.Love.BossBitch

Subway To Venus - Red Hot Chili Peppers

Everybody move to the back of the bus

Over the 24 years that I have resided here, I would say I take the bus 9 times out of 10.  When I lived with my parents, I was BFF with the M79 driver and constantly back and forth between the East & West side.  Now that I live downtown, I am constantly taking the M15 (Select Service ONLY).

I will admit - on days that I am being super lazy, like this frigid morning, I take the M34/M16 from 2nd Avenue to Madison Avenue [I told you I was being lazy] to get to work.  This is my LEAST FAVORITE BUS OF ALL.  I get it, it's early and everyone is cranky - but the new buses (that have the higher level in the back 2 steps up) really suck.  NO ONE, and I mean no one, wants to move back that far.  If you get stuck back there, there is usually no way to get out without having to literally shove people out of your way before the doors close and you have officially missed your stop.  To avoid this, I usually find a way to push myself into the back door nook so when Madison comes I can just hit that yellow bar and run like a bat out of hell.  

This morning particularly pissed me off.  First of all, the M16 pulled away even though he saw me RUNNING (yes, sometimes I run for the bus - even though Ilana is morbidly against running for ANY public transportation because there “is always another one coming") so I was left to get on the M34.  Two things immediately went wrong.  It started with a couple tourists, their 2 extremely large suitcases and…wait for it…a cello case.  REALLY?!  They got on, and stood in the front area, an already unnecessarily small space to begin with and essentially the worst place to block people from getting on and off.   Cut to my bus driver yelling into the loud speaker (at 7:30am) "please move ALL the way to the rear of the bus!"... "If you are not behind the white line I can not let anyone else on!"... "Ma'am, you need to move all the way to the back".  Dude - THEY ARE TRYING.  When other passengers don't move, how do you expect this traveling circus to move?!  Then he continues with "there is plenty of room in the back of the bus, please move to the rear".  This went on through 3rd, Lexington, Park and finally Madison where I couldn't have gotten off faster.  His voice, plus the loud speaker were not conducive to my Thursday morning, especially with the depressing drop in temperature.

Now, I know what it is like getting on the bus with luggage – on embarrassing occasion I’ve been forced to do it before.  It's annoying for all, but at least try to find a way to make it work.  That is the whole thing with buses.  It's cramped, they move slow, but in the summer - they are a gift over the hot, sticky train.  To me, they are a place to relax during the multiple stops - read my Kindle and think about things before my hectic day starts.  So please, do anything to avoid being yelled at by the bus driver over the loud speaker.

Over & Out,

-Ice Queen

Rosa Parks - Outkast

Anything you can do, [we] can do better

It’s no secret that NYC is the greatest city in the world. So it’s no question that anybody who’s anybody (or thinks they’re somebody) would want to move here ASAP.  However, most people that come here won’t stay here; they came for the wrong reasons and leave when “it’s not working out.” There are those that come with big dreams, and those that come with the assumption that this is where life begins.  This is actually where life is LIVED.  Guaranteed, if you know how to live here, you’ll never want to leave.  If you don’t know how we operate you’ll stick out like a New Yorker in Boston.  We see you – digging for your Metro Card in front of the subway turnstile (you had ample opportunity to prepare yourself before holding up everyone behind you while searching through a bottomless bag for a metro card that should already be in your hand). Have respect for this city.  Get to know the culture, the art, the history, the TRAINS for fuck sake.  Get to know the people, the neighborhoods…explore!  There’s a reason the saying goes “After 10 years you can call yourself a true New Yorker”.  We can help make that transition a bit easier for you, because…well…we know it better.   We’ll provide tips for making your everyday in this city a bit easier, for us and for you. Who knows, maybe you’ll stay after all.

- Boss Bitch & Ice Queen

"Anything You Can Do" - Annie Oakley